Liars and Secret DaterWritten on February 28th, 2019 by Raniere Silva
Today I read “I secretly date people who aren’t my boyfriend - but I don’t think it’s cheating” published on BBC (archived copy available as PDF). Half way the article, it says
Sometimes, I’d feel bad for the guys. Some of them were obviously looking for something serious and I was just wasting their time. I remember one in particular who was really cut up about his ex cheating on him - we talked about it a lot. I vaguely told him that I’d had ‘similar experiences’, but I cried all the way home because I felt like I was re-traumatising him in some way.
This part reminded me of Bruce Schneier’s “Liars and Outliers”. A big portion of Bruce’s book is about and he says
We’re more likely to trust people who are similar to us: look like us, dress like us, and speak the same language. In general, we’re more likely to trust in familar situations. We also generalize: if we have a good experience with people of a particular nationality or a particular profession, we are likely to trust others of the same time. And if we have a bad experience, we’re likely to carry that mistrust to thers of the same type.
I think that the way that people like the one reported on BBC’s article are behaving has a negative impact on the future of our society. Is because of this kind of behave that movements such as Men Going Their Own Way, Red Pill and Feminism are getting bigger.
Back to BBC’s article, the character says
Looking back, I can see that I was desperate for that same ego boost - a reaffirmation that I was desirable, despite what my boyfriend had done. (…) I guess I was hurting a lot and looking for any way to make myself feel better.
I understand the need for the ego boost but I think that more healthy ways to achieve it exist.